Last night, hot on the heels of winning their 17th NBA Championship, the Boston Celtics selected three players in the NBA’s annual Entry Draft. With the 30th overall pick in the Draft, the Celtics chose former McDonalds All-American and Rock Chalk Jayhawk, J.R. Giddens, a shooting guard out of the University of New Mexico. Boston traded cash considerations for the Washington Wizards 17th pick in the second round, which was used to select Kansas State small forward Billy Walker. With the last pick in the Draft, the Celtics then tabbed what they believed to be a seven foot Turkish center who obviously sucks at basketball but was in actuality my pet cat, Mr. Jingles, for whom I devised a false identity intended to deceive gullible NBA front office types.

Now, with three new draft picks added to the reigning NBA Champions, you would think these picks represent little change going forward. After all, the equation is fairly straightforward:

ƒ( awesome + 3picks ) = awesome³

Not so fast, my fanboy friends. Let us dig a little deeper and see what these shiny new toys might bring to the Boston Celtics next season and for years to come.

J.R. Giddens, SG, University of New Mexico

J.R. Giddens path to the NBA took more twists and turns than a season of Veronica Mars. It also may have featured more arrests.

Giddens was a McDonalds All American while playing his high school ball in Oklahoma. Coincidentally, the Mickey D’s practices are where he was to meet future teammates Leon Powe and Kendrick Perkins. He was what you’d call a fringy kid as a high school player - sensational dunker but fairly raw everywhere else.

After high school, J.R. signed on with Roy Williams and Kansas University. Roy promptly moved on the the greener pastures of UNC, which spurred Kansas to sign Bill Self - a coach with an iffy reputation before winning the title this past season. Despite the coaching upheaval and an arrest for a five finger discount shopping spree at Wal-Mart, Giddens looked pretty good as a Big 12 frosh at Kansas. During an underage sojourn to a Lawrence watering hole in the off-season, Giddens was involved in an altercation that left him with a 30 stitch cut in his thigh. The fight also left him without a scholarship at Kansas.

J.R. moved on to the University of New Mexico to play for generally nice guy and noted bible thumper, Richie McKay, where his game appeared to regress a bit after the obligatory one year transfer layoff. During his Junior year at UNM, he was suspended by McKay, who bent over backwards trying to deflect character issues as the cause. Despite the denials by McKay, there are whispers the suspension was handed down after a verbal confrontation between Giddens and a teammate at practice, where Giddens threatened said teammate. There is no evidence for this claim but this is the unreported rumor I’ve heard.

After McKay was eventually fired, Steve Alford signed on with the Lobos for Giddens final year of hoops eligibility and J.R. had his finest season of college basketball - eventually being named the Mountain West Conference Player of the Year and earning the Lobos a trip to the NIT tournament.

Giddens game relies heavily on high flying and deep bombing. Very few players can sky as effortlessly as J.R. Giddens. He is, simply put, a spectacular leaper. His outside game basically relies on an odd looking but effective shot from beyond the arc. His jumper mechanics can be summed up thusly: He’s quick to the release but after the release, it almost looks like he’s going for style points on his follow through. That follow through features a two handed finish that takes about three seconds for him to retract. There is also a Reggie Miller tribute of a scissor kick. Regardless of the theatrics involved, he is a fairly effective outside shooter, even with a hand or two in his face.

The negative aspects of Giddens game are fairly significant. His dribbling might be one of the most ridiculous spectacles seen out of senior NCAA guard. He legitimately dribbles the basketball above his head at times. If nothing else, Giddens will give Celtics fans that cozy feeling of deep familiarity when their 11th man shooting guard is dribbling basketballs off his shins. He has never been much of a passer and also lacks anything resembling a mid range game. Those two flaws pale in comparison to the horror that are his handles, though.

The guess here is that J.R. Giddens has been selected by the Celtics with the idea that he can be coached up sufficiently on defense to eventually become an impact defensive bench player. The effort was always there on defense with Giddens but his knowledge of what he was doing on his rotations were sub-par. Watching him fight off picks is fairly hilarious, as he literally tries to drive his body through the guy setting the pick.

Despite the pluses and minuses J.R. Giddens displays on the court, the lingering fear that he is a violent sociopath should be the foremost concern for fans of the Boston Celtics.

NBA Comparison: A 23 year old version of Ricky Davis sans the mid-range game

Bill Walker, SF, Kansas University

Bill Walker was part of the Buckeye fan wet dream. Thad Matta was going to deliver OSU Greg Oden, OJ Mayo and Bill Walker. Turned out to be a pipe dream for OSU fans and a giant pain for Bill Walker.

During the winter of 2006, Cincinnati native Bill Walker was one of the most highly recruited high school basketball players in the country. He was relentlessly recruited by Bob Huggins, who didn’t even have a job at the time. Huggins eventually turned Walker’s enthusiasm into a job at Kansas State and brought young Billy along with him after Ohio State decided he either graduated from high school in 2006 or never graduated (Just a gigantic mess all around). Walker promptly blew the ACL out of his body during his first Big 12 Conference game and missed the remainder of what was supposed to be his freshman year.

Huggins turned around and parlayed his recruiting awesomeness into a job at West Virginia one year later, dumping a limping Bill Walker on his successor, Frank Martin - a prominent figure in the festering scab that is the Florida high school basketball scene. Walker felt betrayed and quite publicly ripped into Huggins for his betrayal - a man who was once quoted as saying, “Bill and I are more than coach and player. Bill and I are friends.”

At any rate, Bill Walker was redshirted after his injury and came back to Martin and K-State for the 2007-2008 NCAA season and was teamed up with freshman sensation and suspected mental patient, Michael Beasley.

Walker’s game is all about athleticism and brains. He is one of the most heralded dunkers to ever enter the NBA, with drool inducing quick twitch leaping and thunderous power. Bill is also one of the most genuinely interesting and thoughtful kids you will see coming out of the NCAAs. He knows far more about basketball than your average Phi Slamma Jamma pledge. His offensive game is still in its infancy and he will not be able to create his own shot early on, as his handles aren’t top notch and his moves away from the basket are basically a one dribble drive off a quick ball fake. Aside from the dribble drive and quick assisted dunk, he’s got one of the more ugly outside shots you will see, though it can be effective for him in spurts. The only way to describe it would be to imagine Antoine Walker and Shawn Marion had a love child, then attempted to teach that child how to shoot a basketball. He pushes the ball and his feet are rarely set.

Walker’s defense is very good for a college freshman but his rebounding is erratic. He has the size, quickness and hops to be an excellent NBA defender if the desire is there. He also has the potential to be an impact rebounder from the small forward position as a pro if he gets the right coaching at the next level.

Really, all the tools are there with Walker - size, quickness, hops and brains. It is just going to be a matter of seasoning and health. He has the chance to be one of the few impact players selected in the 2008 NBA Draft.

NBA Comparison: Shawn Marion. Ugly shot? Check. Good defense? Check. Top notch athlete? Check.

Mr. Jingles, Housecat, My Apartment

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Most online scribes will attempt to sell you on the fact that the Boston Celtics selected a 7′ 1″ Turkish center named Semi Erden with the final pick in last night’s draft. I am here to tell you that Semi Erden doesn’t actually exist.

Though a series of online exchanges with random folks currently living in Spain (the only people in the world who actually talk to Americans about Euroleague games), I have managed to con the professional basketball community into thinking my cat, Mr. Jingles, is a) Turkish and b) human. This automatically intrigued NBA talent evaluators.

This whole fiasco should cause embarrassment all around but, when you think about it, who really has a better chance of playing in the NBA - a 22 year old, seven foot Turk beanpole with no discernible basketball skills or Mr. Jingles?

I mean, really.

NBA Comparison: Pau Gasol. Yep, he is most certainly a pussy.