James Johnson Presently expected to go in the back half of the first round (projections from 15-20). Negatives. His body fat% is a little high at the moment (12%), and his end to end speed and lateral quickness are only above average at best (but would likely improve with better conditioning). Not particularly great at anything. Positives. A legit 6′8″ in shoes with a 7′1″ wingspan, an 8′10″ standing reach and excellent explosion for the size (35″ vertical, 31″ no step vertical). He was a swing forward at Wake, has a decent all-round game. A lot like Jeff Green, or the young Antoine Walker (that’s not meant as an insult, when he was young old baldy was pretty good). Not much of a three point shooter, but a very good mid range game, which you see when he’s at the 4. Excellent face-up game, very effective at taking his man off the dribble and getting to the rim. JJ’s my favoured target in a pick buy. Unless Boston can talk Minnesota out of their second pick, however, he’s probably out of reach.

B.J. Mullens Presently projected to go in the final third of the first round. Negatives. Mostly motivational. Underperformed at Ohio State. How much of that was due to coaching is unclear. Still very raw, and needs someone to light a fire under his buttocks. Positives. A legit 7′1″ in shoes, with a 7′2″ wingspan, a 9′3″ standing reach and good athleticism for the size. Better lane agility than projected lottery pick 4/5s like Jordan Hill, decent end to end speed for a seven footer and pretty good explosion. My #2 choice, another guy that fills a real need here long term if the team can get his head on straight.

Taj Gibson Presently projected to go in the second round. Negatives. Can’t handle the ball at all. Not much of a face up game, so he’ll never be a quality starter. A little on the thin side for the PF slot, and not athletic enough to shift to the SF slot (so he’s not the next Tayshaun Prince). Positives. A legit 6′9″-6′10″ in shoes, with a 7′4″ wingspan and a 9′1″ standing reach. He’s got a plus post game, though his mediocre passing makes him a little bit of a black hole, and excels at garbage buckets (due to his length and athleticism). He’s got decent athleticism for the PF spot (especially for a depth player) and is scrappy on both sides of the ball. Having Garnett to mentor him should help Gibson make the transition to NBA help defender. Unlike Mullens Gibson could contribute next year, as Davis did his rookie season.

Sam Young Presently projected as a late first round pick. Negatives. Has severely limited ability to create his own shot. Mediocre shoot off the dribble player. Limited ability in transition because he can’t handle and his pull up jumper is suspect. Also not much of a pick & roll player. He’s also 24 years old, so he doesn’t have a ton of upside. Positives. Strong as an ox for the size, decent size/athleticism combination (6′7″ 225), fairly long with a 6′11″ wingspan. Excellent finisher at the rim and a very solid catch & shoot player behind the arc. He’ll make the open corner threes you leave him. Reminds me a lot of James Posey.

Jermaine Taylor Presently projected as a second round pick. Negatives. A lot like former Celtic Delonte West, in that he can’t even finish himself with his off hand (in Taylor’s case, his left), and not a great ballhandler with the right. Doesn’t fight through screens well, poor defensive awareness overall. He runs into more screens than my hyperactive yellow lab. A little bit of a black hole due to his lack of passing ability. Positives. The man could score on a lesbian biker gang. He’s got the size and length, being 6′4″ with a 6′9″ wingspan. He’s strong and solid, weighing in at 210. Uses his strength/size well to finish in traffic. A money shooter with feet set or off the dribble and has three point range. Shoots free throws well. He’s going to carve out a nice career as a bench scorer.

Jodie Meeks Presently projected as a second round pick. Negatives. He’s a lot like current Celtic Tony Allen, but with a better jumper. Or maybe he’s Allen’s evil twin, as he only plays cluelessly on the defensive end. Also, has AAS (Alligator Arms Syndrome) as he’s 6′4″ with a 6′5″ wingspan. His athletic numbers look OK on paper, but watching him he doesn’t play up to them. He’s not an ideal finisher at the rim, despite his strength, speed, and max vertical (which all showed pretty well at the combine). His handle isn’t as bad as Tony’s or Giddens’, but it’s not a whole lot better either. Positives. A pretty efficient scorer and a solid shooter. Shoots well off the dribble and with feet set. His pull-up jumper is money and he shoots free throws well. He’s going to be the kind of offensive roleplayer that plays ten years in the NBA.

Danny Green Presently projected as a second round pick. Negatives. Not much of an offensive player. Can’t even dribble if you give him a broken bottle of beer when he’s three sheets to the wind. No ability to get to the rim, and on the rare occasions he does struggles to finish after contact. Not terribly athletic to boot. Positives. Good size, 6′6″ 210 with a 6′10″ wingspan. Strong, if not athletic. A decent catch & shoot player with three point range. Uses his strength and length effectively on the defensive end. Great defensive awareness. He uses his length well to bother shots, good at playing the shooting hand. He’s another guy that reminds me a little of James Posey. I expect he’ll carve out a long career as a defensive roleplayer.

Eric Maynor Presently projected as a late first round pick. Negatives. Suffers from AAS, 6′3″ with a 6′2″ wingspan. Not terribly strong, fairly slight at 165, and not particularly athletic. His lateral quickness is slightly below average, which combined with his AAS, will give him defensive issues in the NBA. Positives. Great court awareness. Despite his lateral quickness, he changes direction well with the ball in his hands, allowing him to get by much quicker players. Fantastic pick & roll player and shoots well, both with his feet set and off the dribble, and has three point range. Great pull up in transition, which combined with his passing ability, makes him a great open court player. His ceiling is probably average NBA point guard, but he’d be a great fit lining up next to someone like OJ Mayo, Bryant, (I can see LA drafting him to replace Fisher and Farmar long term) or Wade.

Chase Budinger. Projected late first round pick. Negatives. Not overly athletic. Less than ideal size for the SF spot, quickness concerns for the SG spot. Average length, 6′7″ with a 6′7″ wingspan. Not Tony-Allen-bad as a dribbler, but not exactly Rajon Rondo, either. Not a terribly good shooter off the dribble, and his pull-up needs a lot of work, too. Positives. Good catch & shoot player with three point range. Willing defender, despite physical limitations, with decent awareness. Finishes well in transition. He may not be the star people were hoping for when he came out of high school, but he’s going to be a good NBA roleplayer for years to come.

Tyrese Rice Should be available when Boston picks at 58. Negatives. Less than ideal size, probably 5′11″, and not overly explosive, which will hurt him getting to the rim. Needs a floater or another short range shot to fill out his repertoire. Positives. Faster than goat curry through a nun. Good catch & shoot player with three point range. Good handles. Very creative scorer on the college level, with some funky looking left handed shots/tosses at the basket that have a knack for going in. Going to be a very good backup point guard eventually.

Now, with three new draft picks added to the reigning NBA Champions, you would think these picks represent little change going forward. After all, the equation is fairly straightforward:

ƒ( awesome + 3picks ) = awesome³

Not so fast, my fanboy friends. Let us dig a little deeper and see what these shiny new toys might bring to the Boston Celtics next season and for years to come.

J.R. Giddens, SG, University of New Mexico

J.R. Giddens path to the NBA took more twists and turns than a season of Veronica Mars. It also may have featured more arrests.

Giddens was a McDonalds All American while playing his high school ball in Oklahoma. Coincidentally, the Mickey D’s practices are where he was to meet future teammates Leon Powe and Kendrick Perkins. He was what you’d call a fringy kid as a high school player - sensational dunker but fairly raw everywhere else.

After high school, J.R. signed on with Roy Williams and Kansas University. Roy promptly moved on the the greener pastures of UNC, which spurred Kansas to sign Bill Self - a coach with an iffy reputation before winning the title this past season. Despite the coaching upheaval and an arrest for a five finger discount shopping spree at Wal-Mart, Giddens looked pretty good as a Big 12 frosh at Kansas. During an underage sojourn to a Lawrence watering hole in the off-season, Giddens was involved in an altercation that left him with a 30 stitch cut in his thigh. The fight also left him without a scholarship at Kansas.

J.R. moved on to the University of New Mexico to play for generally nice guy and noted bible thumper, Richie McKay, where his game appeared to regress a bit after the obligatory one year transfer layoff. During his Junior year at UNM, he was suspended by McKay, who bent over backwards trying to deflect character issues as the cause. Despite the denials by McKay, there are whispers the suspension was handed down after a verbal confrontation between Giddens and a teammate at practice, where Giddens threatened said teammate. There is no evidence for this claim but this is the unreported rumor I’ve heard.

After McKay was eventually fired, Steve Alford signed on with the Lobos for Giddens final year of hoops eligibility and J.R. had his finest season of college basketball - eventually being named the Mountain West Conference Player of the Year and earning the Lobos a trip to the NIT tournament.

Giddens game relies heavily on high flying and deep bombing. Very few players can sky as effortlessly as J.R. Giddens. He is, simply put, a spectacular leaper. His outside game basically relies on an odd looking but effective shot from beyond the arc. His jumper mechanics can be summed up thusly: He’s quick to the release but after the release, it almost looks like he’s going for style points on his follow through. That follow through features a two handed finish that takes about three seconds for him to retract. There is also a Reggie Miller tribute of a scissor kick. Regardless of the theatrics involved, he is a fairly effective outside shooter, even with a hand or two in his face.

The negative aspects of Giddens game are fairly significant. His dribbling might be one of the most ridiculous spectacles seen out of senior NCAA guard. He legitimately dribbles the basketball above his head at times. If nothing else, Giddens will give Celtics fans that cozy feeling of deep familiarity when their 11th man shooting guard is dribbling basketballs off his shins. He has never been much of a passer and also lacks anything resembling a mid range game. Those two flaws pale in comparison to the horror that are his handles, though.

The guess here is that J.R. Giddens has been selected by the Celtics with the idea that he can be coached up sufficiently on defense to eventually become an impact defensive bench player. The effort was always there on defense with Giddens but his knowledge of what he was doing on his rotations were sub-par. Watching him fight off picks is fairly hilarious, as he literally tries to drive his body through the guy setting the pick.

Despite the pluses and minuses J.R. Giddens displays on the court, the lingering fear that he is a violent sociopath should be the foremost concern for fans of the Boston Celtics.

NBA Comparison: A 23 year old version of Ricky Davis sans the mid-range game

Bill Walker, SF, Kansas University

Bill Walker was part of the Buckeye fan wet dream. Thad Matta was going to deliver OSU Greg Oden, OJ Mayo and Bill Walker. Turned out to be a pipe dream for OSU fans and a giant pain for Bill Walker.

During the winter of 2006, Cincinnati native Bill Walker was one of the most highly recruited high school basketball players in the country. He was relentlessly recruited by Bob Huggins, who didn’t even have a job at the time. Huggins eventually turned Walker’s enthusiasm into a job at Kansas State and brought young Billy along with him after Ohio State decided he either graduated from high school in 2006 or never graduated (Just a gigantic mess all around). Walker promptly blew the ACL out of his body during his first Big 12 Conference game and missed the remainder of what was supposed to be his freshman year.

Huggins turned around and parlayed his recruiting awesomeness into a job at West Virginia one year later, dumping a limping Bill Walker on his successor, Frank Martin - a prominent figure in the festering scab that is the Florida high school basketball scene. Walker felt betrayed and quite publicly ripped into Huggins for his betrayal - a man who was once quoted as saying, “Bill and I are more than coach and player. Bill and I are friends.”

At any rate, Bill Walker was redshirted after his injury and came back to Martin and K-State for the 2007-2008 NCAA season and was teamed up with freshman sensation and suspected mental patient, Michael Beasley.

Walker’s game is all about athleticism and brains. He is one of the most heralded dunkers to ever enter the NBA, with drool inducing quick twitch leaping and thunderous power. Bill is also one of the most genuinely interesting and thoughtful kids you will see coming out of the NCAAs. He knows far more about basketball than your average Phi Slamma Jamma pledge. His offensive game is still in its infancy and he will not be able to create his own shot early on, as his handles aren’t top notch and his moves away from the basket are basically a one dribble drive off a quick ball fake. Aside from the dribble drive and quick assisted dunk, he’s got one of the more ugly outside shots you will see, though it can be effective for him in spurts. The only way to describe it would be to imagine Antoine Walker and Shawn Marion had a love child, then attempted to teach that child how to shoot a basketball. He pushes the ball and his feet are rarely set.

Walker’s defense is very good for a college freshman but his rebounding is erratic. He has the size, quickness and hops to be an excellent NBA defender if the desire is there. He also has the potential to be an impact rebounder from the small forward position as a pro if he gets the right coaching at the next level.

Really, all the tools are there with Walker - size, quickness, hops and brains. It is just going to be a matter of seasoning and health. He has the chance to be one of the few impact players selected in the 2008 NBA Draft.

NBA Comparison: Shawn Marion. Ugly shot? Check. Good defense? Check. Top notch athlete? Check.

Mr. Jingles, Housecat, My Apartment

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Most online scribes will attempt to sell you on the fact that the Boston Celtics selected a 7′ 1″ Turkish center named Semi Erden with the final pick in last night’s draft. I am here to tell you that Semi Erden doesn’t actually exist.

Though a series of online exchanges with random folks currently living in Spain (the only people in the world who actually talk to Americans about Euroleague games), I have managed to con the professional basketball community into thinking my cat, Mr. Jingles, is a) Turkish and b) human. This automatically intrigued NBA talent evaluators.

This whole fiasco should cause embarrassment all around but, when you think about it, who really has a better chance of playing in the NBA - a 22 year old, seven foot Turk beanpole with no discernible basketball skills or Mr. Jingles?

I mean, really.

NBA Comparison: Pau Gasol. Yep, he is most certainly a pussy.

7:45 Apparently the NBA has a WNBA game playing in the media room. No doubt in honour of the Lakers and the Lopez sisters. Miami, on the other hand, has selected Michael Beasley, putting the lie to all the trade rumours.

7:55 Well, Fred Munster drafted O.J. Mayo and it seems that the rumours about the Clippers trading into #4 for the tenth best player are indeed true. So, where does Mayo really end up? My money’s on Boston for Rajon Rondo & #30. (I can dream.)

8:05 It’s going to be Memphis, where O.J. will be converted into a second rate shooting guard. Pity. I had such high hopes for him. Leave it to the Pilsbury Draftboy to leave a trail of havoc wherever he roams.

8:10 The Knicks grabbed the Italian Scallion, and there was much rejoicing… by fans of the next five teams relieved of fears that their team would commit that bloomer. For some reason Jerryd Bayless is still in freefall. Maybe he’ll drop to Boston at 30?

8:15 And the Clippers draft Eric Gordon, their other rumoured target. As Seattle already has a shooting guard, it would seem that they grabbed Westbrook for themselves and the Clippers just passed over a point guard that they need. 

8:20 Milwaukee traded away the BFCD, so they grabbed the Taiwan born Joe Alexander to replace him. Now they’ll still be on Beijing TV.

8:25 Apparently Jerryd Bayless ate onions for dinner and forgot to brush his teeth after. Or maybe he stepped in dogshit. Something caused Charlotte to pick D.J. Augusitn and leave a better player sitting on the board.

8:30 Brooke Lopez to New Jersey. Does this mean that they’re going to try and land her sister Robin and lure LeBron in 2010 with some hawt twincest action?

8:35 Jim O’Brien has a party in his pants now that the Pacers have drafted the point guard of his dreams.

8:45 Aaaaand we have our first “What the fuckle-doodle-doo was that all about?” moment. If you had offered Jason Thompson 8-1 odds this morning he still would have bet against himself in the lottery.

8:49 Portland goes for Brandon Rush. I’m speechless. Doubly so if Chad Ford’s rumour is true and Indiana is dealing Bayless for Jarrett Jack and #13 (Brandon Rush).

8:53 Anthony Randolph to Golden State, where he’ll have a couple of years to fill out his frame before they’ll expect anything out of him.

9:00 Phoenix is bound and determined to stage a Celebrity Flop Match before one of their games this year, and tab Robin Lopez to do battle with Raggedy Andy Varejão for the Heavywieght Intergender Flopping Belt.

9:05 Philadelphia goes for Marreese Speights. Sure he’s unmotivated, but he has a cool sounding name. And it’s official, the Pacers have traded a future all star point guard for the 42nd best point guard in the NBA and a Rush brother. It must be awfully frustrating to be a Pacers fan these days.

9:10 Proving that even a blind monkey can occasionally hit the litter box Larry Bird tabs Roy Hibbert, in possibly the first intelligent move since he took the team over. No fears, I’m sure we’ll hear before long that he’s traded Hibbert and Danny Granger for Tayshaun Prince.

9:14 Washington decided to go with a second generation baller, unfortunately they forgot that you don’t want second generation  WNBA players. So Andray Blatche is going to take JaVale McGee under his wing. Hookers for everyone, baby! (ESPN really needs to hire us to produce an NBA reality show, the HoopsBoston Show would be family entertainment done right.)

9:20  We have our second “What the fuckle doodle doo was he thinking?” moment of the draft. Danny Ferry continues to show his critics that he’s every bit as good a GM as he was a player. Oh, yeah, Cleveland takes J.J. Hickson.

9:28 Michael Jordan is either trying to destroy his reputation as the GOAT or he’s really down with the “Jocks with sexually ambiguous names” movement because he just drafted Alexis Ajinca.

9:34 What does a team that already has the BFCD, Nachbar, and Nenad Krstic really need? That’s right! Another jump shooting forward! Has anyone told Kiki or Thorn that you need a backcourt too? Oh, before I forget, the Nets picked Ryan Anderson.

9:40 And we have our third “What the fuckity fuck fuck was that about?” moment of the night. Orlando, in desperate need of forwards takes Courtney Lee.

9:45 Utah makes a sensible choice and grabs Kosta Koufas. Sure, he’s not terribly physical, but he’s tall. And that’s something.

9:50 Sam Presti let us all down, with DeAndre Jordan sitting there on the board they go for Serge Ibaka instead.

10:10 I step away for twenty minutes to take a phone call from a bitter Pacers fan and we’ve had three “What the fuuuuuck?” picks in a row. Well, two since I already mentioned Presti’s pick. Master Batum to Houston and George Hill to San Antonio. 

10:12 New Orleans tabs Darrel Arthur for Portland right out from under Boston, the bastards. We should beat them up. Unless it turns out that the kidney problems are serious, I mean.

10:20 The Pilsbury Draftboy tabs Donte Greene. That Pussy Galore trade is looking better all the time.

10:24 The Detroit Pistons just tabbed D.J. White, Boston fans now eagerly await the Celtics trade out of the first round, probably in a pick swap with Seattle so that the ‘Sonics can grab their annual bindlestiff.

10:40 The Celtics close out the round with J.R. Giddens, who is either a Clownshoes replacement or trade bait. I’m not sure which yet.